Now what?

So I'm 31, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. What kind of example am I to my son? I don't know what job I can find to "fit my personality" as they said. Where can I work, where I will be treated as a human being, be able to stand up for myself if not, and everyone treat each other like they want to be treated, superiors and inferiors alike. I think somewhere that I don't have to work with people at all!

how the fuck...

all day all i wanted was to get to the part where i lay in his arms and fall asleep. didnt get to last night. wanted sex tonight too, but that wasnt a deal breaker. well by the time i got into bed, he was still dressed and laying in bed on a work related call. i guess i looked at him and huffed. yeah i was upset he was on a call that he initiated. i wanted time together. i didnt say anything. by the time he got off the phone i was over it. well when he got off the phone he said i looked upset. i said i was but i got over it. he asked why and i told him. so then he gets upset. how unfair is that? i worked through it in my head and let it go. i did things the right way. how is this happening? i told him to drop it. there is nothing for either one of us to be upset about. he doesnt like that apparently. so here i am and he's in bed all cozy sleeping. wtf...what am i supposed to do when i realize and ADMIT that im upset for no reason? lie and tell him i wasnt upset and he isnt reading my body language very well? he knows if im upset i will fucking tell him. so if i dont tell him, im not upset! let it the fuck go! let it go! LET IT GO!!

cant concentrate

daniel has informed me that he will not be home for dinner. he probably wont be home til around ten if im lucky. i hate last minute changes. because of this, i cant concentrate on my schoolwork. i know i have to deal with it, i had all his time all weekend. we had a good time last night. i asked him to wake me when he gets home. i just like the whole laying in bed and falling asleep in his arms deal. so im gonna pout. and he knows it. he knows im not mad at him, im just pouting cuz i can. there. i got it out. maybe i can concentrate now.

here's the story...of a lovely lady....

so 8 years ago, i got with this guy i had a crush on in high school. we started dating in november of 2002. jan 2 2003 i find out im pregnant. turns out im the first girl this guy has ever slept with, and he's 24. so i tell him he can leave at any time, and i will understand. i tell him this for the next nine months. he is determined to step up and be a father, since our relationship was going good at the time anyway. sept 2003 my little man was born. relationship had ups and downs, i went to school for a year while he supported us, i got a real job in july 2005. somehow after that things started downhill. so i leave in sept 2006. i happen to enter a relationship with a soldier who came home on leave from iraq, and he accepts me along with my son. babydaddy becomes total asshole toward me, all while being a good father to my son. soldier is stationed in germany after iraq. soldier proposes to me, i accept. soldier cheats on me while in germany. i break off engagement. babydaddy is all friendly and wants me to know that he is there for me if i need him. couple months later, soldier comes stateside and after weeks of talking and thinking, i decide to give it another try. babydaddy becomes total asshole again. still a good dad. i get married to soldier. soldier goes to iraq again. soldier is stationed in texas after iraq. i move myself and my son to be with my husband. he is my son and i believe it was my right to keep him with me. any mother would. babydaddy takes me to court for custody. i win. visitation is good for him, bad for me, of course. son does great in school, makes friends, is generally happy with his life. misses family, as did i. son goes to visitation with dad for summer 2010. bad things happen with me and soldier. i decide to come home, ending my marriage. son stays with babydaddy until i find a place to be able to have him. when i got home, i gave him everything i had of son's that i brought with me. i had nothing of his. since i was getting child support, i decided it is only fair to cash the check and give the money right back to babydaddy since he is fully supporting son. since i came back home, babydaddy and i are friends again. no problem with me hanging out with him and our son at his house. almost every day. i find a job, and the hanging out is limited, especially with school starting. still friends with babydaddy though. then i find dream guy. with him, everything i told myself i wouldnt do next time, i did. everything happened so fast, next thing i know, i havent left his place in months. i go back to texas and get half our stuff out of storage. so i make it official and move in with dream guy, who has 3 kids of his own on the weekends. dream guy rearranges his house and his life to make me and son fit into it. from day one that i met dream guy, babydaddy turns into asshole again. babydaddy gets a job, and we work out a schedule so one of us takes him to school everyday. son wants to check out karate. i let him check it out, he likes it, so he's in. 3 days after school. the other two days my family watches him til i can get him. babydaddy gets a new position at work, which he works afternoons. son gets to be with me mon-sat morning. i keep the child support now. i buy all new clothes, a little at a time. i buy uniform shirts since i had none. son is very smart but talks too much at school. dream guy wakes up son and gets him ready for babydaddy to pick him up 2 days a week when i work. thats where we are now. here's where it will get random, cuz now im just gonna bitch it out.

trying to figure out what to do with son during the summer. babydaddy wants to keep him during the day and i get him before he goes to work in the afternoon. this is unacceptable to me because son will get no socialization, the only time he will step out of the house is to go somewhere where he will not interact with other kids, although he may be around them (chuck e cheese, movies). i am not going to keep him locked up all summer long. he deserves to be able to go outside, play with other kids, go swimming. for christ's sake, there is a pool in his apartment complex and the only time son goes is with my mom! my son is not one to be cooped up all day. he needs to run. son wants to go to daycamp at karate. babydaddy is not willing to help with that. he doesnt help with childcare now. guess he thinks the 250 a month should cover the 180 i spend now for his childcare. i dont want to burden my SIL everyday because they have 3 kids now. so i proposed that babydaddy pick him up on days i work, and take him SIL around lunchtime so he gets cousin time.

babydaddy has blocked me from his facebook, although i have not abused the site. but i do know he has taken to twitter to blast me in public.

babydaddywasnt sending enough clothes for him to wear to school. we fixed that. he is now dressed when he picks him up at 615am.

son needed lunch money. i asked babydaddy if he had it or did i need to send it. he said he had it. fine.
then he tweets how nice it is that he got hit up for lunch money so that son can take lunchables to school. son WANTS to take his lunch to school all the time. i buy the fanciest damn lunchables and he gets to take that twice a week as long as he has gotten a good report the day before. "lunch money" is mostly for breakfast that babydaddy started allowing him to eat at school. so everyday i wake up son, i ask him if he wants cereal, a poptart, peanut butter toast, eggs, or does he want to eat at school. he picks school. so i let him. he gets reduced meals. not like its that much. and last time his account was low i put money in there.

babydaddy had son sleeping in a toddler bed that was the exact same length that son was tall. here at our house, he slept in a big bed and used all of it. so i asked him to buy him a new bed. he is too old for a toddler bed. he is 60 lbs. 53 in tall. he said he would, over and over and over. so finally i take him a mattress that i had from his bunk bed. "here put this on the floor. here are some sheets". did he do that? no. he said he didnt want son sleeping on the floor. so finally i took part of the child support that at the time i was giving back to him, and bought a bed. solved that.

son got patches for his karate uniform. unfortunately karate people gave them to babydaddy. a month later, i ask for the patches and i will sew them on the uniform. he said he will do it. another couple weekends and finally he does it. too bad he put the sticky kind of velcro on there and washed it. dumbass.

babydaddy tweeted that it would be nice if he got a response in a timely manner when texting how is his son doing. here's my response. this is my time with him. i dont bug you when he is with you. not even when he was with you for the whole summer. son never asks to call you, you are more than welcome to call him. its in the court orders after all. if you are truly worried, call my phone. i dont have my phone on me constantly. i talk to people in real life, not just on the phone or computer. i have a life. deal with the fact that i may not always answer your text. however, if something goes wrong that you need to know about, i will let you know. however, a small scratch on a 7 year old's forehead is not that big of a deal. not like when he faceplanted on a scooter as you were standing right there letting him go down a hill with no helmet.

i feel that he lives to make me miserable. i try not to let it bother me, but i just dont understand what i do/did to deserve this treatment from him. i tried being friends with him, it doesnt work. i tried including him in my family. doesnt work. i try team parenting with him, he wont hear it. thinks his way is the Word. i wish i could sink down to his level and just be disrespectful as all hell, but i cant. im not that kind of person. ive never said a negative word about him as a father until recently. but now im afraid he is gonna fuck up our kid in the head as much as he fucks me up in the head. all he points out is people's failures. he'll bring up things i did 3 or 4 years ago. and the people closest to me know ive changed just in the past year. as far as son goes, when he brings home a test that has an 85 on it, i put it on the fridge. babydaddy puts one on the fridge that is a 45. and has had it there since March. instead of taking his karate seriously, he will say karate pajamas instead of uniform. when he would pick him up from my SIL house, instead of hey buddy i missed you, he would say "daddy's here, start throwing your fit". how is any of that positive? its not. babydaddy is a very negative person and it just seeps from him.

since the day i had my son, all i want is the best for him. whatever the world gives me, i make the best of it for myself and foremost for my son. babydaddy has told me for the past almost five years that i never have my son in mind when i make decisions. he cannot tell me i am a good mother. now that i am the best Christina that i have ever been in my life, he doesnt acknowledge that change. well i say fuck him, and i feel sorry for anyone who buys into his guilt trip and babymama drama complaints. i just wish people would want to hear the whole story before they jump on his bandwagon.

today

i called him after his friend just walked in the house without knocking or if she did i didnt hear it. logan freaked out. so as i was folding jeans i decided to call and just let him know. wasnt pissed, but was gonna tell him that we were invited to her party and just hear his voice and see how his day was going. left a message. said call me when you get a min if you get a min and if not i will talk to you when you are on your way home. i was fine. i want him to want to call. well when he called i said whats going on and he is all "trying to write an email". well then dont fuckin call me. i dont wanna be the reason youre not focused on your work. so we talk as im washing megan's hair. so he's all let me get back. fine. but dont call and act like im keeping you. call me when you want to hear my voice too.

wtf and how the hell?

i dont know what to do or say to make this night go better. i woke up next to the man of my dreams, went to work, had some pissy customers, ran my ass off, made some money, made sure linda would be happy in the morning and got my boy from my brother's house where my very pregnant sister in law and best friend and i are so anxious for this baby to come. saw my dad twice. got logan home, fed, homeworked. let him play a video game for a bit. i was so excited for daniel to come home, knowing he had a bad day but hoping he would come out the other end on a good note. either way i was determined to have a good night. asked him to cut logan's hair. logan's hair looks good. somewhere in between the asking and the doing i said/did/looked something wrong. and from there is just snowballs. i feel like since spring break week we havent really had a lot of "us" time. but thats how it is with his job, my job, his kids, my kid, dinner, karate, meetings, working late, broken trucks. but the one night that i truly am in a good mood, i somehow still fuck it up. he says its ok. all is fine right. then why are we in two different rooms. why am i blogging this instead of confiding in my best friend. why arent we talking about our problems instead of just saying "its fine". is it really fine? is it me? is it him? is it us? is it nothing? i want to make him happy and it seems like he finds that is a fault of mine to want to please him. im pleased. except that he's not pleased. i want to be the woman he fell in love with. he doesnt want to change me but he doesnt sit well with me being me. everytime we argue i get scared. scared he's gonna want out. he says that's not gonna happen but who really knows? we both know that years of marriage can end in a snap. we've been through it, seen it happen. its all around me. 3 years, 13 years, 33 years. time doesnt matter. we know we love each other. we know that we want this to work out. but is wanting it good enough? we have to work on it. how do i know what i should work on and what he should deal with? good question for my therapist. i want to laugh with him and hold him tonight and be held back. i dont want him to be ok with falling asleep without me touching him. im not ok with it. understanding he's tired and stressed, but am i not also? i need something from him, dont feel i should have to ask him for it, but should i anyway? shouldnt it just come natural to him? so much i need to talk about, even if it doesnt involve him, i want him to know, i need him to hear. yet im blogging and he's shopping around for parts for his truck. i understand he needs to do that....blog interupted by Logan's need for peanut butter bread. and now daniel is shaving and acting goofy. must be how he feels when i flip flop.

why cant i find someone besides my therapist that will just listen? not give me their opinion, be tarnished by others' opinions, tell me a related story that happened to them, or tell me what they think i want to hear?

on another note, why cant everyone just be honest?