today

i called him after his friend just walked in the house without knocking or if she did i didnt hear it. logan freaked out. so as i was folding jeans i decided to call and just let him know. wasnt pissed, but was gonna tell him that we were invited to her party and just hear his voice and see how his day was going. left a message. said call me when you get a min if you get a min and if not i will talk to you when you are on your way home. i was fine. i want him to want to call. well when he called i said whats going on and he is all "trying to write an email". well then dont fuckin call me. i dont wanna be the reason youre not focused on your work. so we talk as im washing megan's hair. so he's all let me get back. fine. but dont call and act like im keeping you. call me when you want to hear my voice too.

wtf and how the hell?

i dont know what to do or say to make this night go better. i woke up next to the man of my dreams, went to work, had some pissy customers, ran my ass off, made some money, made sure linda would be happy in the morning and got my boy from my brother's house where my very pregnant sister in law and best friend and i are so anxious for this baby to come. saw my dad twice. got logan home, fed, homeworked. let him play a video game for a bit. i was so excited for daniel to come home, knowing he had a bad day but hoping he would come out the other end on a good note. either way i was determined to have a good night. asked him to cut logan's hair. logan's hair looks good. somewhere in between the asking and the doing i said/did/looked something wrong. and from there is just snowballs. i feel like since spring break week we havent really had a lot of "us" time. but thats how it is with his job, my job, his kids, my kid, dinner, karate, meetings, working late, broken trucks. but the one night that i truly am in a good mood, i somehow still fuck it up. he says its ok. all is fine right. then why are we in two different rooms. why am i blogging this instead of confiding in my best friend. why arent we talking about our problems instead of just saying "its fine". is it really fine? is it me? is it him? is it us? is it nothing? i want to make him happy and it seems like he finds that is a fault of mine to want to please him. im pleased. except that he's not pleased. i want to be the woman he fell in love with. he doesnt want to change me but he doesnt sit well with me being me. everytime we argue i get scared. scared he's gonna want out. he says that's not gonna happen but who really knows? we both know that years of marriage can end in a snap. we've been through it, seen it happen. its all around me. 3 years, 13 years, 33 years. time doesnt matter. we know we love each other. we know that we want this to work out. but is wanting it good enough? we have to work on it. how do i know what i should work on and what he should deal with? good question for my therapist. i want to laugh with him and hold him tonight and be held back. i dont want him to be ok with falling asleep without me touching him. im not ok with it. understanding he's tired and stressed, but am i not also? i need something from him, dont feel i should have to ask him for it, but should i anyway? shouldnt it just come natural to him? so much i need to talk about, even if it doesnt involve him, i want him to know, i need him to hear. yet im blogging and he's shopping around for parts for his truck. i understand he needs to do that....blog interupted by Logan's need for peanut butter bread. and now daniel is shaving and acting goofy. must be how he feels when i flip flop.

why cant i find someone besides my therapist that will just listen? not give me their opinion, be tarnished by others' opinions, tell me a related story that happened to them, or tell me what they think i want to hear?

on another note, why cant everyone just be honest?

here we go again....

i really need to be able to vent, and i cant trust some people to vent to. some people dont know how to be unbias, and maybe the other side has gotten to them first. oh well. i dont need people like that. then there's others that i vent to that i feel i overburden. i dont need to do that either. so it will all go here. not looking for opinions or advice. just venting. thats it.